26. June 2008, 08:37
Drop of Water?
I’ve wanted to write. But I’ve put it off and shrugged my shoulders and stared out the window time and time again. Just a couple weeks ago, I was on the verge of finishing Marcel Proust’s “In Search of Lost Time” books. And his exploration of the writer’s psyche and sources of inspiration and failures of one’s own muse and art had the wheels in my head turning. I wrote a thousand beautiful entries in my head, but never set them down to paper. Not that it matters anyway, the writing is never as beautiful as what was originally conceived in the mind. It never flows back out that smoothly.
So I’ve lost all that. It has slipped through my fingers, my memory has misplaced it. Proust, obsessed with time and memory, would surely have much to say on the topic. I too have an obsession with time, but I really have nothing more to say on my memory. I am only disappointed with it.
It wasn’t much after that, I watched a movie called “Sans Soleil” which really made me think of Proust and art and life and diaries again. Chronicling… holding on to all that we go through in some way. Only a few moments ago I had this all churning in my head even more when I opened up the last articles I wrote and a draft I had in my textpattern archives. I realised the sort of things which get set down in a diary. The weather on the day of one’s first six month anniversary of marriage. A dramatic night of fire alarms which set off several months worth of restlessness and sleeplessness. One’s first job. It has been almost a year since I have written and I feel as though I have lost a whole year of my life. I will retain bits and pieces here and there, but just not near as much as when I record it when it happens.
Now I lament my loss. I feel the need for a diary. I like to remember. I like to see what happens. I like to know what I felt and saw and did. Proust would again, I am sure, have much to say on the subject. He would call it the wellspring of any of my future art (if I am ever to make anything worthy of the title). He used his memories and life in such a way.
I am going to truncate all that here. I am really going off the psuedo deep end. What is important, a quick overview.
Over the past, almost year, of my life, plenty has happened. Really, nothing terribly huge though. I did get a job. That was the biggest. I now have a job. It is retail, but I promise that I love it. My boss is so nice and all around wonderful and pleasant. She is almost like my third mother (my own mother being my first, my wonderful mother-in-law being my second). The store I work in is so charming. I realised the other day how much I do love it and how it looks. I intend now to take pictures of it for posterity. I must remember this crammed, cute little shop. It is interesting all in itself, even without the interest of it being my first place of work. If I have children someday, I should like them to see it. If I have grandchildren someday, I should like them to see it. I should like to remember it well and pictures will enable me to do that. Anyhow, most of the customers are pleasant also. They tend to adore me and compliment me on fitting into the atmosphere of the store so well. “So polite, so helpful, so pleasant, and dressed so nicely and perfectly; especially for someone of your age…” It makes me so happy. So work is good.
But then I have been going to school and finishing my AA degree also (I still have two years left though at least! must have a bachelor’s at the very very least). And shopping for all and sundry. And taking care of a little apartment and a kitty and being a good housewife. And being industrious. And reading. And playing videogames. And visiting my family in Arizona. And sometimes being a pill. And And And And… In short, I have been a very busy bee. I have done much. Right now, I am doing less. I took the summer off of school so now I have time to think and reflect. Really, too much time if you ask me. I am realising that I am a little lonely. I mean, it isn’t terrible, but I really do wish I had friends my age to go out and do things with once in a while. I really just don’t know how to go out and meet people who I would like though.
Anyway, today I have the day off and am just hanging around. Maybe I will take pictures. I have bought such a bevy of clothes lately. I have become an incurable and perpetually broke shopaholic. I get paid tomorrow (big paycheck too, I have worked extra hard these past two weeks) and I have a list to try to rein myself in, but I know it won’t work. I need to buy as little as possible, only what I need, and save the rest. That’s what I keep telling myself. But I do feel like I deserve a spontaneous treat… I know it will be something I really shouldn’t have though…
Ah, I guess I should add a little more though on my life front. I am still happily married. I told you nothing else big had changed. That hasn’t. I am blessed at least. I have been having terrible mood swings lately so I am not sure how blessed he feels but give it a week and I will make he sure he knows it and feels it (insert gratuitous winking, gesturing and generally inappropriate PDA).
I keep thinking of more. Mostly things I’ve acquired. I have an iPod Touch, a new Macbook, a Betsey Johnson dress, etc etc etc. Picture post of vanity and materialism surely must occur. I have gained a little weight (hurrah!) and I would like to go on a road trip and I would like to go tumbling through a meadow and I would like to have a party and my mother in law has the cutest little puppy and I have been so busy and… I said that already. I don’t know where to start or where to end. I have been all over the map. Perhaps, after today, I can write again. Perhaps my life has changed enough and I have written infrequently enough for long enough that my inspiration has returned. Maybe, I am no longer a desert (my old little stupid cliché).
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6. August 2007, 13:24
A Massive Picture Post
I am bad at keeping an interwebs blog these days. Very bad. So I just buckled down and am making a big Picture Post of Doom. I have owed my friends of the interwebs many pictures for a very long time so this is going to include new clothes and, gasp, Wedding Photos (no one thought those would ever come, hm?).
First, the wedding photos. I have dragged my feet on these because…well, I felt pretty on my wedding day, but I got the pictures and almost died. Someone parted my bangs the wrong way and hairsprayed them down. They looked terrible. Then there was the attention whoring of my sternum and the disappearance of my boobs. I knew I was too skinny. I was trying to gain weight to make sure I would look fabulous, but the wedding came and I had failed. I didn’t realize how miserably until I saw pictures. The dress is gorgeous, I was just too skeletal for it. Anyway, I have gained about 10 pounds and almost a cup size since then. On my one year anniversary, I will probably look stunning in the gown (assuming I gain another 5-10 pounds by then). I’ll have a bit of cleavage and my sternum will be hidden under flesh! That’s enough of that though. I am not trying to fish for compliments. Just expressing thoughts. You need to see pictures.
picture here
The important thing is, of course, my gorgeous dress/attire. First, from the back. My veil fell off at the end of the ceremony as soon as I had exited into the hall. So the only pictures I have of it are from during the ceremony. It was long and awesome. Nothing for my face thank you very much.
picture here
Here’s a picture from the front, from when I was tossing my tossing bouquet. Obviously, I wasn’t going to toss my real bouquet (not that it mattered because one of my sisters caught it).
picture here
Here’s another from the back. I’m slouching. Wonderful. Also, you can see my real bouquet. It had a gold pocket watch with a train on it attached to the ribbon. It belongs to my grandfather, and it was my “something borrowed” (my mother insisted on that).
picture here
Finally, the bride and the bridegroom.
~ awh ~
Ok. Obviously, I have tons more pictures, but what exactly does one want to see? My family? His family? Cake? Punch drinking from goblets? I just don’t know.
Now, onto random new clothing pictures. I knew it was time for this, because I keep buying more new things which can’t be included now. It is getting out of hand.
picture here
the camera was way off kilter here…
purple dress: the limited, $30 marked down from $80 (and then two weeks later it was marked down to $20!)
sandals: MIA via Dillard’s, $30 (def. casual sandals to make the dress a little more casual for errand running/classes/etc. I’d wear a shoe more appropriate for the dress if I went somewhere nice)
picture here
dress: f21
headband: f21
shoes: hush puppies via victorian trading company outlet, gift
picture here
face of death!
dress: f21, $22.
belt: UO, marked down to $15 (to make the dress fit better even though the belt is also way too big for my waist. I need to punch about 3 more holes in it.)
picture here
tunic/shirt length dress: f21. I hate the awkward length of everything lately. Anywhere I go, especially f21, everything is too long to be a flattering shirt, and way too short to be a dress, this shirt/dress included. But I loved the bright pattern so much so I said screw it and bought it anyway. I need a short, black petticoat to go under it to make it look more like a cute dress.
mini skirt: mervyn’s from when I was 13
picture here
dress: f21 (its eyelet lace)
jewelry: f21
gladiator sandals: Mudd via Off Broadway, $20?
picture here
tunic top: wetseal, marked down to $4.
cream layered miniskirt: f21,$7. I had been looking for something to go with that top for almost 2 years! Finally, I found something fabulous! (excuse the bumpiness, I usually have that fixed/hidden. the skirt has a big sash bow right there)
necklace: ribbon leftover from my wedding, cameo from an estate sale
picture here
cream shirt: f21
gold skirt: f21, it used to be pleated with teeny pleats, but I washed it and that unfolded them all. I am not ironing 30 million tiny pleats back into place.
belt: UO
cream silk flats: aldo
picture here
tanktop: f21, $3
sweater: f21, marked down to $10
highwaisted skirt: f21
the little pin which you can barely see, is black with dark grey lettering which says “BRMC”. I got it at a Black Rebel Motorcycle Club concert recently (the concert was freakin awesome btw).
picture here
overexposed to the extreme, and this is my very favorite shirt!!
cream lace shirt: wet seal (3 years ago?)
baby blue tank top: wet seal
gray skirt: The Limited, marked down to $15. It’s supposed to be a kneelength skirt which sits at the hips with a sash tied in the front, but I like it way better yanked up over my waist with the sash tied in a big bow in the back. It actually flatters my waist that way!
shoes: payless
cameo: found in my mother-in-law’s stash of old jewelry
and now, a little bundle of jewelry. everthing is from an estate sale except for:
picture here
gold and silver heart hairclips: delias, clearance
blue rose pin: f21, used to be a red rose charm. my husband spraypainted it navy and hotglued a pinback on it (it was for his easter outfit. I have since appropriated it).
gankutsuou pin: hot topic! I love to stop in just to go through their pin bins once in a while because something spectacularly awesome like this will pop up.
and some more shoes
picture here
brown specator-y heels: shoe carnival, $12. I love these but haven’t been wearing them much lately because I can never think what to pair them with in the summer.
picture here
pink heels: payless. This is a really stupid photo, but they look cuter on my feet than off, and standing regularly for a photo made them look odd. But they don’t look odd… just maybe on carpet in a photo.
picture here
green boots: shoe carnival, $10. I overexposed the rest of the picture in photoshop to get better coloring/detail on the boots. I have only worn these twice, both times in the rain. I think they are really super cool looking, but maybe not on me/my feet. I never know what to wear them with.
So I guess that’s the end for now. I have started my job. Yes, I am a working girl. That’s fun and tiring, but really, I am done with the computer for now. Maybe I will explain another day. Right now, I need to go read. Mmm Demons by Dostoevsky. Mmmm.
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12. July 2007, 13:26
So Much
Things have been lovely lately. Well, days have been. I have some troubles sleeping at night but that is neither here nor there. Wonderful things are happening to me, and let’s not spoil it with the little bits of sadness.
Last Friday, I went out to lunch with my mother-in-law. I really really like her. She is so nice and wonderful. We get along splendidly. We lunched at a cute little cafe and afterwards, went shopping. Our first stop was a pretty nursery. We ogled the little fairy gardens (this is a future project for us) and she bought me some herbs to grow. Right now, they aren’t doing so well, but I am trying to start them in the middle of summer and I haven’t really done much gardening before so it isn’t much of a surprise. Anyway, after the nursery, we stopped at the victorian trading company outlet store which I have mentioned in one of my previous entries. I got opera glasses, gloves, an alice journal, and other things there. Both my mother-in-law and I adore that store. We spent quite a bit of time going through all the beautiful things. As I was standing idly contemplating something, the lady who was working at the store offered me a job! She said she was very picky about who she wants working there and I just seem like I would be perfect. Of course I accepted and put in an application. I gave my references on Wednesday and they have been contacted today so I should hear word back soon! Things are looking wonderful! I am going to get my first job! At a darling little shop with very nice people. It isn’t a terribly busy shop and the customers are generally older, friendly ladies who are obsessed with the store so it should be a very nice atmosphere. I will probably work part time Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and sometimes Saturdays and recieve $8-9 an hour. So fun! And this schedule continues through the fall. I have arranged things so that I have one Monday night (1 credit hour PE, fenching) class (I will always be off then), one online class, and three classes on tuesday and thursday. I will be busy in the fall, but I shouldn’t be too busy. And I will have extra cash finally! Oh and it will be such fun! I am so excited!
But I am being side-tracked. That wasn’t the end of my weekend. On Saturday evening my husband and I went to the second to last night of the local Shakespeare in the Park. The play was Romeo and Juliet. It was a fun thing to do and the play was pretty good. The actors in the title roles were only so-so but almost everyone else was very good. I enjoyed sitting outside on the grass and munching my food and watching people and then watching the play. I was very close to the stage. It was a little too hot and crowded though so I was very sick at the end of the night. I threw up in the car on the way home so that wasn’t fun at all, but I learned some things for next year when it is time for Shakespeare in the Park again. Like don’t eat late, and bring tylenol at least.
I don’t have any plans so far for this weekend, but I do have a long list of things I would like to do so I know I can find something.
Also, I finally took some pictures of all my new clothes and they are on my computer, but they’re all still .psds. I need to convert and upload them. I will try my very hardest to do that soon.
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27. June 2007, 10:41
Back From The Grave
I’m sorry that I disappeared for so long. I never meant for this to happen. I am back, and would like to begin writing semi-regularly again. I haven’t written anything for myself since the last entry I wrote in this diary. Nothing anywhere, and I don’t like that. I want to get back to producing things, so this marks my return to writing. I suppose an update is in order first.
The last several months of my life have been busy in the best way possible. I have been plugging away at school (I am taking a French class at night over the summer), going out every weekend, reading, shopping, going to concerts, and more. I have been enjoying my life immensely for the first time in ages.
Married life is wonderful. I am getting along with my husband swimmingly. We are still the best of friends and quite in love. We argue seldom (and usually the arguments are initiated by me over small, stupid things during hormonal surges and regretted quickly afterwards) and he has been more than I ever expected. He is a wonderful husband, and I would like to think that I am a good wife. Responsibility and such is shared between us, but I have taken most of the cooking load and am loving it. I have freedom over what I fix for meals and have been experimenting and hunting down all sorts of delcious recipes. Tonight, honey-dijon chicken (it has to marinate for at least eight hours and I barely got it ready in time this morning), roasted red potatoes with garlic, and yummy spinach. I have things to make cute yogurt parfaits in wine glasses for dessert (I don’t have any fancy dessert cups yet). I love not being tied down to what my picky picky sisters will eat. My six month wedding anniversary is Saturday though so I get to go eat out somewhere semi-fancy! Oh boy!
I have also acquired oodles of new, beautiful, wonderful things. I have been terrible at taking pictures though, shame on me. I have lovely new clothes and shoes, and a stack of new books (I finally got time to finish my last stack!). I have also been watching loads of movies. I have a Netflix account now and have finally found the sorts of movies I adore. I have also discovered the hilarity which is The Office. My husband and I also indulged in a Nintendo Wii! Oh boy! I am always looking for friends, and willing to exchange Wii addresses with anyone else. It is really a blast. I haven’t had this much fun with a video game system since I discovered Final Fantasy X for the ps2. I am not much of a gamer, but I really adore the Wii.
I mentioned this briefly earlier, but I have been to several concerts lately. I am being compensated for all the years I went without concerts! In the past few months I attended a My Brightest Diamond/Decemberists concert, a Black Rebel Motorcycle Club concert, a Bloc Party concert, and an Ours concert. I enjoyed My Brightest Diamond a lot. The Decemberists were fun. BRMC was completely freakin’ awesome and so was Bloc Party for that matter. Ours was… interesting. They perform well but they played a two freakin’ hour set with several ten minute instrumental songs. Which was, honestly, a little much.
And finally, to end this update, the biggest change I’ve been through. Not the most important, but the biggest. I chopped off my hair the day before Easter! I lost a whole foot! Of course, I have pictures. That’s what held this entry up (that and photobucket servers)! I have had a hard time getting myself motivated to get a picture of my new hair.
old hair
First, an old picture. This is my hair before I got it cut. This was the best old picture I could find to help everyone remember the length of my hair, but this was from November or December, so imagine at least two/three more inches of hair.
first picture of current hair
second picture of current hair
This is my hair now, near three months after the haircut. My hair is about an inch or two longer than it was when it was cut. Anyway, I do not miss my long hair at all. I am loving it shorter and, as it is getting to be high time for another hair cut, I think I want to get it cut even shorter. Maybe up to brushing my shoulders? Maybe up to my chin? I have to decide what I think will still suit me…
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9. February 2007, 07:33
Perhaps The Weather...
I woke up this morning feeling stupidly desolate from brooding dreams to find that it was still terribly dark out at eight thirty. I rose from bed and wrapped myself in a king-size, cream fleece blanket to keep warm and hide my nakedness; then peeked out my balcony door. The sky was brimming with dark clouds. Well, perhaps not brimming, that’s too active a word. Rather the clouds moseyed, in the sky. They hung there, beckoning me to their lazy ways today. Chances of snow are wafting about. Today would be a nice day to stay home and do nothing but read. A warm bath, then a warm blanket and a cup of dulce de leche hot chocolate. A stack of books would top things off. But instead I have to drag away from warmth and inactivity to get myself ready for getting back my french exam which has a good chance of being marked with a C. Or maybe I will only learn that I have to wait another few days to learn my fate. Driving, and walking for miles and doing sheaves of homework are my tasks today. I am being too lethargic, too complacent lately. Too many days of resting after a flurry of duties.
On the move again.
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27. January 2007, 21:26
The Fruits of a Crammed Little Shop
Today, I visited an adorable little warehouse shop. The rooms of the shop were bursting with victorian style knick knacks on super sale. The deals were amazing and the objects were beautiful. My in-laws had invited me over and were gushing to gift me with anything I wanted from the store (within reason, nothing too expensive) because they were positive that most of the stuff in the store was so me. And they were right. I found loads of gorgeous objects. Porcelain teapots, silver comb and brush sets, ornate damask style stationery, flowered handkerchiefs, buttery handbags, lacy jackets, stately mantlepiece clocks and so many more beautiful victorian-inspired pieces than I could ever list. I spent two hours soaking in the atmosphere and the lovely objects. The store was too amazing, and there were too many wonderful things, but I finally narrowed things down.
Pictures:
picture one
This is a cute sort of silly (because of the fur) bag I got. I think it will add a really neat dimension to every day clothing. It’s unexpected! The little matching bag was a free gift from the cashier. She asked me if there were matching accessories for the bag, and I said yes (the small bag pictured and a round fur covered CD holder) and she ushered me back and made me pick one out. She told me I had to have one and that she’d give it to me for free because I was “just too cute.”
picture two
A beautiful Alice In Wonderland dream journal, a slighty defective pair of opera glasses (the handle is on upside down, my husband will fix that!), and a pair of lovely elbow length cream satin gloves with flower applique. The gloves will definitely be thrown into everyday wear. I think long gloves can add an elegant, classic touch to casual clothing.
picture three
Shoes and handkerchief. Oh the shoes, the shoes! So fabulous! They are Hush Puppies but they are not ugly, grandma shoes! They are pretty, stylish, and kicky! And so comfortable! The handkerchief was just too pretty to pass up. There were several far too pretty to not get but I had to restrain myself. I think I am going to tie it around my neck. Sort of. I don’t think it will actually tie around my neck, so I will safety pin it and hide the safety pin.
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26. January 2007, 15:04
Basking
Friday is heavenly! On Friday afternoon and evening, I can let all my responsibilities slide away. I can relax. I love having things to do, but it is tiring. I love breaks when I am busy. I appreciate moments of doing nothing more when I know that I have many things to take care of when my break is over.
I love when it’s time to slow down, and stroll through the melting snow and sniff the crisp winter air or laze on my couch staring out the window at the blue blue sky.
Life is still so nice!
Today, as I was bumbling about my seat in my French classroom, a friendly, young girl (older than me, but still young) strolled up to me and told me that she just had to tell me how cute I always look! Awh! I am not used to being complimented on my clothing from people I see in person. Then, a little later the girl who sits next to me came in and complimented me on my dress. If I was capable of blushing, I would have been rather pink. It was reassuring to have others appreciate my clothing. I am obsessed lately.
So I felt silly, and I have taken pictures of this dress before, but I wanted pictures again today because I am wearing it differently. My picture taking skills are subpar as usual, but let’s overlook that. This is just a journal entry. Just for memories. P.S. No Photoshopping done on any of these! Not even cropping.
picture one picture two picture three
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24. January 2007, 12:28
A Shallow Overview Because I Am Too Excited and Flighty...
Oh I’m still so busy! Or no, I suppose my life is just full. I have had lots of errands to run, and when I do not have an errand to run, I have homework to do, and when I do not have homework to do, I have fun ways of relaxing which I must indulge in. For instance, I still have millions of books to read, and I have movies to watch and popcorn to enjoy with, and a husband and hot chocolate to cuddle up with! This is so exciting and exhilarating. Life is excellent. I love it. I love my routine, I love my little apartment, I love my new responsibilities, but most of all I love my husband.
School has begun, and I drive myself now! I have my very own car, and I get to drive it all by myself. This is the first time in my life driving solo. I’ve been driving on and off since I was 15, but never as often as I am now and never without another adult. Plus, I have never had a car which I can call MINE, and now I do! I could go out to lunch today if I wanted or I could go down to Blockbuster and pick up a film or I could drive to Borders and immerse myself in more books. I can do these things if I feel like it! Oh, something so little, is also so thrilling.
This is the first time my life has been so consistently amazing in years. To other people, my life is probably not very exciting, but for me it is almost overwhelmingly so. I love it. I love this. Everything. More than just my freedom, it is such a small part of it. But everything. Married life most definitely included.
Oh, and on Saturday, I saw “Pan’s Labyrinth” and it was wonderful. Guillermo Del Toro did an excellent job of weaving fantasy with real life and did just as well in constructing each separate part. For as much as I know about Spanish history (which isn’t much) it works wonderfully as a political film, but it works just as well without the political message. I could probably go on, but I won’t. I am going to go gobble up a mandarin orange fruit cup and a piece of lukewarm pizza. Ohhh my lunch will be heavenly.
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16. January 2007, 09:39
Dear Reader, I Married Him
The changes have come, and I return a married woman. How many weeks of tumult it has been; and tomorrow marks more, my return to college.
But to go back and recap, sort of week by week…
December 23-29: The long days of traveling and wedding preparations. The 23rd and the 24th were spent driving with my family from Arizona to Kansas. It was a long, tedious, unhappy drive with too many children, a dog, and a too scared cat. Christmas was odd, and felt incomplete and lacking because it was so pushed to the side to make way for the wedding. We rested and only opened presents and ate and talked on Christmas, but it still didn’t feel at all like Christmas. My mother plans to bring me out next Christmas and have a grand one to make up for this last one’s sparseness. The next day, we plunged into gathering and decorating and last minute planning. From then on the days were long and busy.
December 30-31: My wedding and wedding night/day after. What can I say about my wedding? It went by quickly. After all the long days of waiting for it, it sped by, leaving me dazed and confused. Was that day the highlight of my life? No. The day itself has symbolism, but I suppose the wedding left me scratching my head, “This is the day every girl dreams about and longs for?” Things were pretty but… I suppose it wasn’t the earth shattering affair other girls find it. The days that followed have meant much more and brought me much more feeling than those few hours of ceremony and reception did.
January 1-7: Settling in to a new apartment while battling colds. My husband (!) and I got an awful, awful cold. Yes, I got a cold AGAIN. How angry I was! Yet we had to plow through it and run innumerable errands to stock our apartment and get my name change documents rolling. Running these errands beat us down more and more. The colds got worse, until we had to spend several days just laying around sleeping. I got hit especially hard on the 7th, the night before we left for our honeymoon and started throwing up everywhere, wretchedly enough.
January 8-11: We honeymooned in Las Vegas! Really, it was more Shopping Extravaganza than anything. We hit many malls and many shops, many high end designer shops in which I pined for $100 dresses and $500 dresses and $200 coats and sighed and settled for cheap forever 21 clothing. I want another honeymoon though because I had several physical ailments converge upon me during those four days that made me wretched most of the time. A little too wretched to fully enjoy things and to have a real honeymoon. Sigh.
January 12 – Today: Recuperating. Recuperating from everything, the colds and the physical exertion. We walked to most places in Vegas to save money. It’s tough! Now we’re trying to settle into a pattern of normalcy. We’re adjusting to our new life. Settling in, planning, tidying, unpacking, organizing, shopping, talking… The “adventure” of married life begins. And of writing thank you cards. Ugh!
Oh! Pictures of the wedding forthcoming. Be patient!
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22. December 2006, 15:20
Hurry Scurry
Tomorrow we’re getting up (or will we even bother to go to bed?) early to begin the long drive to Kansas. I do not anticipate being back to the computer before the first of the year, and it will probably be after when I can check in again. Of course then I get less than a week’s respite after my family leaves, then I am going on my honeymoon, then less than a week after I get back from that, the spring semester starts! Eek! My plate is full for a long time so it might be a while before I get back.
So don’t forget me and don’t write me off as dead. I will return!