18. June 2005, 12:17
Class of '05
The class I was supposed to graduate with just graduated the other day. But here I am, already a college student. In fact, halfway through the first phase of my college career, whereas my peers still haven’t entered that stage of their life. I skipped the high school growing up phase entirely.
Watching all the conversation and comments thrown back and forth about finally getting up and moving on and growing up and graduating, it hit me hard how, again, I had grown up a little too quickly. And I’m getting married next summer. Growing up again, quickly.
Do I regret it? I do not believe that I do. I matured quickly. I can’t put the breaks on and move back. There’s no way to stop, turn around, do it all over. I don’t want to. I like who I am and who I’ve become. With the maturity, I have found a different path to take to turn a part of me around and relive childhood. A way that those friends growing up don’t feel, don’t care for, won’t search for. They’re going to grow up in a childish way. I’m going to grow up and be a child. A subtle difference… the purely immature versus the innocent…
I don’t condemn everyone I used to know though. Just the tendency of the mindset of a generation. There are always exceptions.
My thoughts are a bit disjointed, I know, but my brain is broken and stuck on the concept. His words echo through my head still, “Don’t grow up too fast”... he had to become self sufficient when he was thirteen because his mother kicked him out of the house. He grew up way too fast. But he had no choice. He was trying to save me, and maybe he has. I grew up, but learned a way to grasp the relish of childhood. His warning pushed me to.
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4. June 2005, 22:32
A New Touch
I remember that night. The crowd was roaring and the music was loud. The whole place was heavy and humid with the thousands of bodies moving and swaying, packed in so tight and close.
I was too warm, and I pulled off my coat, but I felt so strange doing it. I felt a jolt of exposure and fear. A strange sensation at showing my bare arms before him for the first time. Just arms.
I moved back into his embrace, plunging into a little tiny new first. Clutched close in his arms, warm, and mingling with him and the slow movement of his body to the rhythm. Mixing into one.
And his arm travels along my arm and shoulder. His head leans down a little as he gazes down. Nothing then, but I had more than enough filling my cup of bliss anyway.