18. December 2006, 18:30
Long Lost Things Are Found
A lot of exciting things have been going on for me lately. I am head over heels in love with the prospect of the next few months. My new apartment is cute and tiny, I am going to bash around Vegas for the hilarity of it for my honeymoon (since I can’t go to Paris with school so close to starting), I am finally going to be married; the list is the same. I am bubbling over, and maybe that is why my stomach keeps bothering me… I am just too excited.
Today, I had something completely unrelated heaped on top of everything which is making me positively explode.
I finally found my sheet music!. Yes, yes my beloved sheet music which has been missing for several years has finally resurfaced. My father knew where it was all along. What?Ah, but my spirit is dampened. I need new strings, they won’t stay tuned anymore. Alas, my bow needs rehairing.
I remember, Boyfriend knows where to take it! My spirits rise a little, and I am comforted. As soon as I have the money, I can fix things and I can play again!
I WILL PLAY MY VIOLIN AGAIN!!!!!! SOON!!
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17. December 2006, 19:02
Harping
I took a shower today! Ok, boring. I haven’t taken a shower in days because I’ve been too sick for that. I took a bath the other night, so I am not completely dirty. It was nice to get cleaned and dressed finally. It was difficult though for two reasons: 1) I am so skinny right now and 2) My stomach is still weird. Exposition: For the former, I just hate looking at myself in the mirror right now. My ribs and hip bones are jutting out and poking very much. My stomach is so hollow. It is depressing! I look like a starving third world country child or an aneroxic teenager. It reminds me that I need to not move around too much while I am being able to eat so little. For the latter, well my stomach health is in an odd place at this point. This is actually very similar to the flu I had last year at Christmas time. When I don’t eat or don’t eat often enough, I get super sick from hunger but when I eat too much or the wrong thing, I get super sick sick. So I have to eat little bits of bland food, jello, or popsicles at regular intervals to keep my stomach feeling relatively ok. I remember trying to go shopping with my boyfriend the day after Christmas last year. I had to have something to eat every four hours, on the dot or I started getting dizzy, sick, and shakey but I couldn’t eat very much. We were at the mall, and it was time for me to eat so we just went to the food court. It was packed! We got Panda Express and I was going to have just chow mein noodles, but there was nowhere to sit. Absolutely nowhere. People covered every inch of the food court. We wandered around for around fifteen minutes and I was starting to feel so awful, that I was trying to slowly feed myself noodles from the plate my boyfriend was holding (I couldn’t hold it at this point) while he was trying to scout for somewhere to sit. We finally found a place on a bench, but people kept giving me evil looks because I am a skinny slip of a thing and I am only eating chow mein noodles off my boyfriend’s plate. I hate that. Anyway, it was awkward and awful. It sucked. I couldn’t eat most things, but I couldn’t eat nothing or live off jello and popsicles.
Right now though, I am not quite at the point where I could even eat things like chow mein noodles. Tomorrow I am hoping to be, but I am afraid the road to regular food is going to be slow and awkward like it was last year. I am about to go enjoy a popsicle. ‘Tis a nice way to recharge after being up and moving some.
On the wedding front, something finally got bought off of one of our registries! My boyfriend and I set up registries at Macy’s and Bed, Bath, and Beyond back in August but no one knew when we were getting married or that they needed to buy gifts until now. It was kind of fun/kind of a drag to set up those registries, but it is going to be nothing but entertainment to watch things get snapped up off the registries! Yess! The thing purchased? A five set of pasta bowls from the everyday dish pattern we picked out. Ha! We’ll have big serving bowls then.
This isn’t our first gift though. We have recieved a few official, purchased just for us gifts (and a few hand me downs, but I am not counting those right now). My favorites so far? Our bed, my stand mixer, and a Cinderella wedding pot holder set (I know, shut up). Ok, and our 500 thread count sheets. My boyfriend and I purchased those ourselves. They are so soft. I cannot wait to finally sleep on them. Or not sleep… Moving on to the stand mixer!
The mixer is glorious overkill. It’s a 7 quart, 1000 watt, stainless steel Viking stand mixer. She is a beast meant for a professional restaurant kitchen but instead, she is mine for my humble home! I honestly haven’t cooked much, but I plan to cook loads (I hate eating out often), and I think I inherited some natural ability from my mother. My mother taught herself to cook and she cooks amazingly. I can cook things great from a box or recipe, and have only done a few things from scratch/to taste but I have proved that I can latch onto it pretty quickly. I had better be interested in cooking anyway with the mixer I have. She is rated for up to 10 pounds of cake mix or 16 egg whites! 10 pounds of cake mix dammit! Glorious! I will probably never ever need to cook that much cake but the thing is, I can. This is just the tip of the iceberg which is my stand mixer. But I’ve gone on more than long enough…
Honestly, I am overwhelmed already. I feel so thankful for the things I have gotten. We have our apartment too, and we already have most of the major furniture we need. Nothing really matches anything else or the themes I want for the house, but I figured things would be that way. I have things though. I have lots of things in more than decent condition. I am growing more and more excited. I am having trouble sleeping at night because all I can think about is how fun everything is going to be. It is so close! So Close!!!!!
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16. December 2006, 14:25
Dragging About
Just as I figured I was going to get better, my cold took an unexpected turn. It morphed or something and I took on some stomach-flu like symptoms. My mother and youngest sister had had these too. Apparently, mine were from my nose draining mucus into my stomach. It was gross, so I won’t go into detail, but I could digest food fine, but my stomach was too upset from the mucus to take much of it. I spent yesterday watching Dune, sleeping, and throwing up.
Yet for me, the worst part of any semblance of a stomach flu, is how weak it leaves me. I cannot handle it. I had had and kept down a teeny bit of banana, a saltine cracker, half a cup of jello, some tea, and some 7-up yesterday, and that was all. I went to take a bath that evening and by the time I was finished, I was feeling so sick and dizzy that I could hardly move. My vision was blurring, all that sort of thing. I dragged myself into my room and didn’t get up the rest of the night. My mom brought me a popsicle to help me recover some. By morning I was able to drag myself up to eat some toast, and I think by tomorrow I should be back on a regular diet again, but this is so frustrating. It has slowed down my healing process. I am still breathing awkwardly and coughing a little. It would surely have been gone by now if this had been a regular cold. Ugh.
It is doubly frustrating because my wedding is so close. My family and I are leaving to drive out to Kansas on Saturday. I need to be better! I need to get things done! I will have so much to do and here I am weak and bedridden still! UGH!
On a happier note, my boyfriend has begun moving into our apartment and buying up little sundries! It makes me so so excited. He bought us trashcans today, which sends me into raptures. A little necessary touch, although generally incredibly dull. Yet I am not the least bit excited about buying table decorations for the reception. I am definitely backwards.
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12. December 2006, 17:45
It Must Be The Children's Fault
I sit at the dining room table with my elbows leaning on the table on either side of my plate. I bend my face forward, staring at the bowl of split pea soup on the plate, the soup so hot that it sends tendrils of steam curling up into my face. I breathe in the steam, feeling it fill my nose and clear my breath. The relief sends me close to tears. I feel so bad again. I am sick. It has only been a month since the last time I had a cold and I usually only get one cold every cold season. Such wretchedness.
I lift my spoon and push it into the bowl of soup anxiously. I blow across the surface of the liquid on my spoon and then sip it down quickly. It affords me an even better relief. The warmth of the soup spilling down my throat lets me forget the pain there. The cold orange juice I wash it down with, on the other hand, stings and enhances the pain I just chased away. I need liquids, and I need the vitamins from the orange juice but every swallow had me screaming in pain.
Eating lunch was a slow task, and when finished, I dragged myself upstairs to spend the rest of the day in sleep. Oh how pathetic I felt then. So lonely, and wretched. Crying from pain and from loneliness. I was such a sad panda, wishing that someone would come curl up next to me and whisper loving words into my ear, and smooth my hair, and dote on poor, sick little me. There was no one to come. I am not the only sick person in my house. So I closed my eyes and I slept and slept and slept; my hands clasped close to my fever warm face.
I am feeling as yucky inside now, but I don’t feel quite so pathetic. Only ambivalent. This cold is not that bad. Now I am only wandering through The Aeneid and pondering whether candy necklaces in plastic bags ever become stale.
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8. December 2006, 16:36
I Get Points Now
I backdate. I do. I wrote an entry, didn’t want to post it, but decided I’d post it now, because I don’t mind.
Lady Misfortune found someone else to pick on and things improved. I finally have my invitations in the mail! I got dresses for my little sisters! And I got things worked out for school in the spring!
I am so ecstatic. So many weights have been lifted. I have so much to do still, but I feel a lot better about things.
Now, I just wish I had time to write well, but I don’t. I am so tired. I just want to drift away in The Aenied...
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5. December 2006, 17:59
Me Vs. My Wedding
I am so wiped out and I haven’t even been out of the house in days. I suddenly understand why some girls disappear off the face of the earth when they’re planning their wedding.
So that was my captain obvious moment of the day.
Anyway, I have been putting together invitations. Yes, I know, they’re way late. I should have had them out weeks ago, but unfortunately, although this is all supposed to be my responsibility, I’m still being held back by other people. I have to wait on this and that and rides and cash from my parents. I want to actually be able to helm this operation and get things done. I love being in charge, but in this case, I’m not actually in charge. I am subject to my mother’s whims and my father’s schedule. I pick things, then other people do them for me or fetch things so I can do them so then the things are done late because other people are slow.
It is frustration. Everything, really, is frustration. I feel like Lady Misfortune must have picked me as her victim for this week. She is the school bully, and I am the wimpy freshman whom she stuffs in the trashcan. I got up this morning after having feverish task dreams about getting envelopes for my response cards (I don’t have any so I am breaking rules of etiquette and should probably be shot for my impropriety), to find myself without anything for breakfast. I knew this would happen, so I pulled out a muffin mix and started mixing it. When I opened the refrigerator for eggs, I found none. No muffins for breakfast, and I had just ruined a muffin mix. Curses. Then I had the tedious task of cutting and gluing embellishments for my response cards. My back was creaky and achy by the time I was done, and then it was time to print envelopes. This should have been a quick job. That’s what I was expecting. But no, my printer hates envelopes. I have to feed each envelope through individually, and half the time it jams, no matter what I do. As soon as I think I have a technique to keep it from jamming, it jams. Then a quarter of the time when it didn’t jam, it would get ink on the backs of the envelopes. Sometimes, it would only print the return address on the envelopes, then freeze. I have fourteen envelopes yet to print for my fiance’s list, and around twenty for my side (but I’m not sure yet because my parents still haven’t put together a list of addresses for me!). I still have no idea how I’m going to get these done. We have another printer in my house but it will only work with my father’s laptop and he is not here right now.
Then nothing for lunch (our cupboards are very bare) and meatloaf (disgusting!) for dinner and no call back from the college counselor. My paperwork for my apartment is waiting to be notorized and signed but I can’t borrow any cars and no one is here to give me a ride to get it taken care of! That was just today. Yesterday was equally as long and frustrating (microsoft is impossible) but I don’t care to recount any more. I sound whiny enough as it is.
I am trying to keep from stressing out too much, but it’s rather difficult not to. I really wish that the wedding was over already. I’m tired of this. I hate gatherings/parties. I am not a normal girl. I have never spent time planning my “dream wedding”. I still don’t have a dream wedding and my real wedding is in three weeks! I have no picture of what this should look like. I have no inclination for how things should go. I just want to be married. I just want to be able to laugh and talk with my best friend again without being bogged down with worrying and planning. I want to be living my life, not revolving it around a date in the future. I want to embark on a new journey. I am tired of preparing for the celebration of the beginning of it. My heart isn’t in it. My heart is waiting on the other side of all this, eager to get going on bigger and better things. I am so excited for so many things that are going to be happening. I am going to have so much fun!
...As soon as the wedding is over.
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29. November 2006, 19:06
Uninspired and Detached
I lay in bed last night tossing and turning, dreaming feverishly about feeling sick. My body would cringe and my mind would cry out in pain until I woke myself up. As I drifted awake, the pain would dissipate slowly until it was gone, but I wasn’t awake. My mind would scramble to make out what was happening, and when it found the pain was gone, I would fall back asleep but only for the imaginary pain to return.
When I woke up in the morning, the imaginary pain was no longer imaginary. It slowly began to build again, leaving me to toss about my room and my bed, searching for relief. I would lay still and read and have it depart; yet as soon as I emerged from my bed, ready to begin my day, the pain would return sharper than before. It tore and pushed at me, forcing me back to bed, to rest. What weariness.
My eyelids were heavy under the warmth of the sun coming in through my window and the heat I created under a bundle of covers as I stared at my ragged quilt. I thought of little, of nothing. I thought only of not focusing on my pain.
Corin leapt onto the bed with me. He gingerly stepped forward and shoved his little wet nose in my face, staring at me intently, as though he were reading my emotions. After a few moments he was satisfied, and curled up on my bed with me, on top of my stomach, purring loudly. And he stayed, as he never does. He stayed next to me all through the morning and afternoon while I lay in bed. It was as though he read my pain, and knew that I needed comfort. He gave comfort to me in company.
By afternoon I was feeling better. I got up, and went about my routine late. My day was truncated by many hours. Evening rushed quickly upon me. I spent it idly, recovering strength, not even bothering to do what I should be doing.
What should I be doing? Planning my wedding. I need to get out my invitations, I need to print them all and tie and glue and stamp and mail… time is slipping away from me so quickly.
Time and my ability to write. I write so awfully lately. I am trying to be better, but my dry spell continues and when I do push harder, like with this entry and the last, it turns out… far less than what I intend. I can do better, but I am not trying very hard. What do I have to say? How much do I care to write well? In here? Not much.
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26. November 2006, 18:55
Packages on Doorsteps and in Mailboxes
I was sitting idly in my sister’s room, staring at nothing and talking nonsense to my sister, when the doorbell rang and my mother started to yell at me. She said that my phone was ringing. I whisked away from my perch and out the door and began leaping towards my phone, as my other sisters dashed around me chattering loudly about a package, and my mother dashed up the stairs bearing a medium sized white box in her arms. She dropped it on the bed and I began to examine it as I picked up my phone. It was my father. He told me what I had just figured out from staring at the box. The package was from the store where I bought my wedding gown. My gown was finally here. I squealed at my father that I knew and hung up the phone. I snatched my scissors as my mother began to tell me how the dress must be folded up in such a small box and how wrinkled it had probably become. I frowned and agreed with her as I began to fumble with my scissors and the tape on the box. The scissors cut quickly, sliding through the plastic around three sides of the box, freeing the lid.
The rushing and stumbling stopped in that moment. My hands moved gently and gingerly to open the box. I wanted to be careful not to spoil the important, delicate dress within. The lid pushed back slowly to reveal a swaddling of plastic around white chiffon-like tulle, satin, and lace. My dress. My dress lay resting uncomfortably in that small white cardboard box and plastic. I picked it up gently and pulled it out of the box, letting it see the light of day again.
And there it was before me, in all of its slender glory. I grinned. I grinned so widely and happily. It was here. And it fit me, finally. It was beautiful. I was pleased.
The rest of the day is dipped in the monotony of my regular life (which has returned unexpectedly) except for one other break. Again, the mail, a package unlooked for exploded upon me.
A small, soft envelope lay in my icy hands this time. I had retrieved it from a late, dark, cold expedition to the mail box. Yes, winter is falling finally. The temperatures drop as they should and the sweaters are forgotten because of how abrupt the change came for a girl cooped up in her too warm house all day.
The envelope yielded easier than the box did, but the contents inside were more of a puzzle to liberate. Once my shivering hands managed to do so; I had a pair of quaint, pretty, and slightly ridiculous cheap earrings before me and a pair of cherry red suspenders sporting a cheery heart on the back. These were late birthday gifts. I bought them for myself with the twenty dollars I recieved. I beamed bright at these purchases, just as I had at my dress earlier. These, I could make use of much sooner though. Indeed, tomorrow, I plan to tumble about in those glorious suspenders. How long I have desired them, and what fun they shall be!
I slunk back into routine. Rejoicing, admiring, and sighing. Dreaming, wishing, and impatiently waiting. I am always impatient.
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23. November 2006, 19:56
Forever Doing
Perhaps, back to normalcy? No, I do not think that I have many days left of my previous mode of normalcy. The day-to-day routine which I am used to is going to be swallowed up by holiday preparation and wedding preparation. But how I do love change! I am not complaining about it! Normalcy is relative, meaningless, and fleeting.
Yesterday was, of course, eaten by Thanksgiving. There was not much about it to break routine except for the vague feelings of nostalgia and large meal. No relatives were over, it was just my family in the house we live in every other day. The food was excellent, the day was warm, and there were plenty of dishes to do. Thus, the recurring theme in my life of dishes and the persistence of the desert (wretched desert).
Now I have to shop, shop, shop, and craft, craft, craft like mad in the days between now and December 30th.
Nothing fluffy or touching. Just me, busy-ness, and longing.
I am reading though, sometimes, when I can snatch a moment. And with all the outings which must occur, I am experimenting with clothing so I can, perhaps, look fabulous throughout the approaching winter. With a new, borrowed camera; I can, and do document this. (I am no photographer, I do not claim to be a photographer, and I never will. I am also only just getting the hang of using a different camera.)
I’m leaning on the stack of books I plan to read before December 30th. I do not plan on finishing the big book of Montaigne on top, but I do plan on finishing everything else.
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18. November 2006, 19:18
The Daylog Bit From Tired One
Oh the last couple of days have been terribly hectic. There was a lot of cleaning and shopping to be done. Today, on the other hand, was extremely idle and inactive and the change is odd. I suppose it is a good rest. And with so little to do, I really should have taken a long nap today in preparation for tomorrow, but I didn’t.
Tomorrow I am finally going to see my wedding dress almost finished! It will be finished and I will have it by next week! It is oh so exciting, and oh so very strange. Everything is finally coming together. We finally know where to acquire most things, and so all we need is to get things ordered and finished. Once I pick an exact time of day, I can start printing invitations! It is really hard to believe. I am going to be married finally in just a little over a month. I am going to see my best friend every day. I cannot believe it. I am trying to wrap my head around it and I am finally beginning to see the gravity in everything going on and this is finally beginning to feel real, like it is really going to happen. It is really going to happen! I am excited and I am nervous.
I am also finally getting a good taste of the busy-ness involved in planning a wedding. I have had my share of stress, but mostly from inactivity. Now I finally have to think of all the details I have never bothered to think about. I have to bother about a wedding and what things will look like. I have never really thought about it hard. I have never planned or dreamed about my wedding. I always dreamed about living life, even when I was little. So this is a different thing to think about.
Oh, and my parents gave me a few presents. Apparently I am getting more. I recieved The Complete Essays of Montaigne, an origami calendar, and cute underwear. Montaigne will be super fab for reading between books or when I am too busy/distracted to read a whole book. I can just read handfuls of essays now and then and they should be magnificent! I will be excited to read Shakespeare after I have read some Montaigne to see what influence Montaigne had on Shakespeare. The origami calendar is a cute little fold-something-every-day deal. I love to fold origami but am not terribly good and this should help me get some practice, and give me tons of new things to fold! I wanted some turtlenecks but my mother said everywhere was sold out, so I think I might try going shopping for some grey jeans/grey pencil skirt and a nice cream layering top. I also have $20 to go blow on something useless. I just have not decided what to blow it on yet… I will definitely buy some cute little pearl hair clips, but that won’t take much. Otherwise…My Brightest Diamond cd? Glorious red suspenders? Cheap jewelry? I will decide eventually…